Confession: I bought a pack of cigarettes

Yes, that’s right. I broke down.

I was dreading writing this post. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want to write it down and make it even more real. I thought that maybe I could just deny that it ever happened. But who am I kidding? As I am typing this, the pack is sitting right next to my computer.

Not only did I buy a pack, but I smoked all the cigarettes. And then I bought another pack.

Of course this all started with me bumming ONE single cigarette one night when I was drinking. All it takes is one. And then you think, oh I can smoke every once and a while. It won’t be as bad as before. And then it is as bad as before. About half way through the first pack I decided I had to get rid of the cigarettes. But instead of just throwing them out, I just smoked more to make them “disappear” faster. And then of course, I had to buy another pack.

I feel bad. I feel like I’m back at square one. But I have to remind myself that I was a non-smoker. I did it! So I can do it again. I’m stronger than this.

I have had some people tell me they are disappointed in me. I don’t need to hear that. I’m disappointed enough in myself and I don’t give a damn about your disappointment. I need your support, not your negativity. (This is a theme here, folks. Please focus on the positive. It does SO much more).

And so…. here we go again!

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About kellchris

I'm an artist and art therapy student. When I'm not painting or experimenting with ceramics, I'm usually hiking, cooking, or making the big bucks bartending. View all posts by kellchris

One response to “Confession: I bought a pack of cigarettes

  • foreualways

    I gotta say I don’t struggle as much as I did when I tried quitting many years back! I am doing better now then I ever have before, but it not like the thought hasn’t passed through my head. I live with a few smokers. I don’t ask them to quit, well because that not what they want and so there fore it will not work even if they tried!
    The only thing I require of them is to KEEP the smoke from me!
    Don’t concern yourself with any negative comments or the such from anyone! As you damn well know, the positive will always workout better!

    I known this guy that hadn’t smoked in over 20 years, but he got the desire by hanging around all us smokers! And he started up again!
    Man we all were so mad at him, because we (well some of us) wanted to quit and just couldn’t get it done! We excepted what he did and life went on.
    This leads me to think that a quitter is only a non smoker when from the day they quit to the day they pass on and they never smoked again!

    1) No matter what method (meds, hypnoses, support groups, etc) you use. If you do not have the desire in your heart and mind to quit, you simply put will not quit! You be just fooling yourself!

    2) No matter what your reason! It has to be for you! Don’t make promises to other people! You have to quit because no matter what your thought is, no matter who involved, if you don’t quit because it what you want! If will not work!

    3) From what I read and understand and believe to be true (as this hasn’t happened to me this time) is your bound to slip! Just as you get back on the horse/wagon/bike or what other metaphor you want to use! If you (anyone) continue to fall off the wagon, then you might not be ready to quit, or maybe you need to try a different method!

    Need to talk I am here!

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